Living Well

The Living Well Archive will grow each month into an online resource containing; reflections, thoughts and simple self-help ideas. Click below for more pages from the archive:

An Emotional Storm - Beginnings - Running Free - The Hazelnut Shell - Letting Go

The Hazelnut Shell

James’ sat back in the chair, his body relaxed, he looked at peace. This was our final session and he was reminding himself of the changes that were developing as a result of the work he had done in the therapy.

For as long as he could remember, James’s parents had spent all their time and energy helping others. Once they had even cancelled a family holiday at the last minute because someone had appealed for help. 

When James asked for his parents help with homework, or to tell them about the school bully, they were too busy or too tired to listen, so James told himself that he was not as important as all those other people, and that his needs didn’t matter. And so using all the intelligence and wisdom of his young mind, he decided to hide his thoughts and those sad and resentful feelings, deep inside.  In this way no one could hurt him again (he told himself). No more feelings of shame and anger at being ignored and not wanted.  “If I don’t tell, I won’t be hurt” he decided.

Over the years, James’s body became tight with holding everything in. His hands were often clenched inside his pockets where no one could see them. He developed painful shoulders as the muscles set into a stiff holding-in pattern.  His face had a mask like smile, and his eyes looked distant, as if withdrawn way behind somewhere. He rarely asked for help and was remarkably self-sufficient. He had found a career where self-sufficiency and working alone were essential. It suited him perfectly. Then something disastrous happened – he lost his job, and was left very anxious, bewildered and frightened. 

It was at this point that he came to see me for help.  “I feel like a Hazelnut, that my shell has been cracked wide open, and the real me inside is exposed and very vulnerable”. He was trembling and tearful.

Through the weekly therapy, and as the feeling of trust in our relationship grew, James was able to share his hurt feelings. He struggled with his old beliefs that, like his parents, I too was too busy or too interested in other people “to be bothered” with him. He dared to express this, and the feelings of deep sadness and anger that came with that belief. Later, he began to notice how his body tightened up when those thought patterns came up.

Slowly he became more confident, more open.  James’s face became softer, and his eyes brighter and more present, his body was more relaxed, and he used his hands expressively as he talked. As he learnt to express his sadness, he discovered that he could also release his joy!  As he explored his resentments, he found how valuable a healthy anger can be, and was able to use this good energy. As the shame diminished, his self confidence grew.

I’m often amazed how skilfully even very young children who are hurt, can use their intelligence and wisdom to work out survival strategies. As we become grown-ups, however, these strategies don’t work as well and like the Hazelnut shell, can close us in and keep us trapped inside old patterns of behaviour, and uncomfortable ways of holding our bodies.

In a supportive therapy relationship, these protective shells are never forced open. As the sensitive life inside begins to grow, it gradually pushes the shell apart letting in more light and nourishment. In time, hopefully like James did, you will be able to step out into your own comfortable and confident lifestyle.

If you would like help to grow out of your ‘shell’, please feel free to contact me for an exploratory session.